21:50:    Made a cup of tea. Turned on Channel 4’s Alternative Election Night. Hoping for something (please God anything) unexpected to happen.

21:55:    Joanna Lumley wins the Channel 4 poll on which celebrity would best run the country - seems unlikely but decide to place an online bet. Jeremy Clarkson came second; a Tory majority is on the way.

22:00:    Plebiscite has finally finished. Surreal - Jimmy Carr hands over the Exit Poll. No clear majority but the Tories win it. Lib Dems lose seats; down from 62 to 59. It’s gonna to be hung, hung like a spayed donkey. This promises nothing. Possibly some kind of Nazi-Soviet pact between the Tories and Ulster Unionists. I might just go to bed; I’ll have a smoke instead.

22:10:    Laughing at David Cameron. Will that bread factory footage get old? I hope not. 

22:23:    £25 million bet on this election apparently. Plus my tenner on Lumley.

22:38:    An unashamedly anti-Tory audience on Channel 4. Big cheers for the other two parties when the floating voters voiced their final decisions. Parties aren’t different; people are. Made a cup of tea and a smoke. Thought I saw a blue moon – is something rare occurring or are the Tories taking their turn again? – but on looking again I realise I just imagined it. It’s cloudy.

22:44:    “A lot of excitement in Solihull. Two for one on scotch eggs in Lidl.” – Jimmy Carr.

22:49:    A Bit of good ole’ fashioned BNP bashing going on.

22:59:    The Green Party mentioned as a bi-product to a Lib Dem joke. Even in the jokesphere they reside on the periphery of existence.

23:02:    First result is in – Houghton and Sunderland South – Labour have held it. I just remembered I have a Twix in the fridge. Yum-yum. Adverts on again. Thinking of changing channel. No -comedy wins – the time to go hardcore and expose myself to constant political radiation is not yet here. I need to make sure my cloudy-eye shielding is fully powered first. I wish I had another Twix.

23:16:    Can’t deal with the Come Dine With Me take off. State-funded objectivity goes on. Apparently the BBC/ITV/SKY syndicate called the Exit Poll wrong. Idiots. Lib Dems with 61; still a hung parliament with Tory majority.

23:20:    Esther Rantzen on the tele; standing as an independent in Luton West. She been out on the street talking to people, apparently there is an undercurrent of mistrust for the old guard of politicians. Odd that the Exit Polls seem to show people are still voting for them.

23:22:    Silly-billy returning officers have no standard on closing procedure at 10 O’clock. In some places they’ve locked people in for the night. Nice. Let them out in five years, eh?

23:26:    Labour hold Washington but the Tories are big swingers.

23:30:    Jeremy Paxman calls people not being able to vote “ridiculous” - savage Paxo, savage - and Peter Mandelson nods concertedly.

23:31:    Why is Mandy in the House of Lords? Ah, good blagger. I wonder if he could still win a seat in the House of Commons? I bet he could. A little dark magic, a little spin, a little blood-sucking. I bet he could, if he wanted to that is, which he doesn’t. Too powerful now; whether Labour have a majority or not.

23:44:    George Osborne is being interviewed! I’m going out for a smoke.

23:48:    I hear from through the patio doors that at one of the polling stations, which had people locked out, that they had the police called in to move people on. It invoked images of Zimbabwe in my mind. Thought I might share that.

23:50:    Looks like it’s gonna be a hectic blag-a-thon. Stations open too long. No ballot papers. People shut out. Harriet Harman talking about legal challenges over the result. Is this the surprise for the evening? Our political infrastructure failing once more? That’s no surprise; that’s what people are voting for again.

23:56:    “No party has a moral right to a monopoly” – David Miliband has found the get-out clause already. Paxman asks him about needing to axe Gordon Brown – priceless journalism – but Miliband dodges the question with polished expertise. Paxman is an impotent Rottweiler.

00:00:    Cup of tea.

00:09:    There are journalists hanging around outside Nick Clegg’s house. Why? Ah, interviewing people who weren’t allowed to vote: “I thought we’d be able to vote in a democracy” said one disgruntled lady.  That’s a fair assumption…but we all know what assumptions are, don’t we?

00:13:    I think Martin Amis is drunk

00:25:    A journalist refers to a police van as a meat-wagon live on the BBC.

00:30:    The Green Party might have won in Brighton! Though we won’t know for sure…for…oh, two hours.  Maybe a little early on the speculation then, maybe not, maybe just dangling an unexpected carrot in front of me. Still no sign of Joanna.  Channel 4 is going back on.

00:42:    The Tories in the Channel 4 audience have now started cheering. Dark.

00:56:    Turned back to the BBC and stuff has happened! Goodbye Robinson – no coalition with the Tories for you. The Lib Dems retain some random place in Yorkshire but the Tories are swinging there to – 7000 of them actually. Time for a cup of tea and a smoke.

01:07:    Dimbleby says there is now a real possibility of a Tory majority. Was the possibility of a hung parliament the great carrot of this election? The blag to hold our interest whilst the wheels ground monotonously on? Quite frankly I’m bored.

01:35:    Just been woken up by the grumble of Gordon Brown’s voice. Feel a bit groggy.  29000+ people voted for him into the House. Crazy Scots. Lots of results coming in; lots of “holds”. Sick of tea; gonna make a coffee; scratch that…glass of red wine.

02:18:    I think I might go for a walk tomorrow. Maybe the world will be different.

02:19:    Dimbleby is self-admittedly confused and now it seems we are to be hung; one way or another.

02:35:    The Lib Dems are looking a little shakey. Media hype? Or vote rigging? Who can tell in these torrid times. Labour Hold. Conservatives Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Fiona Bruce: “No clear picture is emerging.”  Yes it is; a very clear picture is emerging; the same old predictable shit is going on.

02:40:    The bond market has opened early. Big business is apparently voting with their cheque books on a Tory majority. Read into that what you will. I only worry that they’re able to call a result that political commentators can’t.

03:13:    It’s official: Mediocrity has won the vote with an increased majority. Perhaps if we are hung some good can come of it.

03:22:    Bed.